i sent an sms to xuan today, it went like this.
'you know, that blah blah thing? It's like we're cramped up on a lost plank of wood, but it's better if we just hop into the abyss even if we don't find anything to latch onto, because in the dark there may be fear, but there's also hope. It beats standing on that lost plank of uncertainty."

i thought about it, and i realised that by not trying, we are not learning. when we try, and we fail. we learn through our mistakes, although it hurts pretty badly and the scars will stay.
i realised that it has been 7 months afterall. and it's time for me to move on.
move on, hop into the abyss, just anything to get me away from that plank of uncertainty.
right now, i'm willing to take risks. i'm going to be bold, and no one can stop me. what's the point of stepping out even when u're still keeping your doors closed?

sometimes, waiting does not guarantee an outcome that you want. it only causes you to live in self-denial. the longer the wait, the longer the self-denial, and the tougher it is to let go.
7 months. i've made my choice. it's never gonna happen anytime in the near future, i have accepted it. but if God makes it happen after a very long while, i will not hesitate if it seems right. waiting is like a game of squash. you play with yourself. you play with your own emotions, you toy around with possible situations, you dream about it, but when it comes to the finish line, you see that no one's there at the finish line with you. there's no one there to reassure you that everything's going to be alright. there's no one there to pick u up after you fall. and worse still, there won't be a way for you to backtrack, to turn back time. this decision was hard, as i know it was hard for him 7 months back, we picked up our own shattered pieces and moved on. it was hard, and very painful, but we did it. i never second guessed either of our feelings at that time, because he never gave me a reason to. all he did was give me reasons to trust and love him, that's all there is to it. simple. we have our own lives. and waiting? it's just a word to me now. i wont try to purposely cause myself to establish feelings or force myself to erase everything we had, it doesn't help, and also cos it's just plain stupid. memories will last, but reality bites. i will always salute him for being the strong personality he is, and i admire his perseverence and sensability for making the right decisions to fulfil his own goals.

indeed, time heals all wounds.

something drastic happened at home last night. and it shocked me to the core.
i rmb a few weeks back, i was anxious about my mum's safety, and now? i am worried about my dad's. when i had that stupid 40 deg fever, xuan said that i was weighed down by too many things. it hit home, and i realised that i lost sleep, lost appetite, and lost weight throughout the course of 3 weeks. when the clouds seem to part, it started raining. i just have to be prepared for whatever happens, if not i wont be able to take it anymore. i was prepared, but being prepared doesn't mean that you'll lose all emotions. it gives me clarity, and i have to think sensibly and say and do the right things.

and thank goodness i have friends who make me smile ALL the time. and i mean ALL THE TIME. xuan's jordi labanda pretty pink pop-out cover notebook is sitting prettily on my table. it reminds me that it doesn matter how many frens you have, you just need that very important few. it's enough to make your life satisfying. thank you so much! i love you!

p.s: i miss everyone in jjc. :(

give me a reason to trust you,
give me a reason to believe you,
give me a reason to have faith in what you say,
give me a reason to love you.

i just need a reason. any reason. just one reason will do.